I wish I knew what triggered it because, if I did, I might try to avoid them at all costs. On the other hand, in a sort of bittersweet way, I like when it happens. And it’s been on the verge of happening for the past couple days, with me trying my best to resist it’s pull and maintain my connection with the present, rather than be taken down this painful, lovely, remorseful, thankful path. But something happened this morning, a trigger or thought or something which I still don’t fully understand, and…well…here I am. It had actually been almost a year since this had last happened (kudo’s to me for not succumbing too easily to memory lane!)
“Here” is high school, and a certain individual. Sometimes, like whenever this hits me, I yearn so much to go back in time and change the course of events. Or at least change myself so I could have had a chance to change the course of events. But, alas, here I sit, relegated to merely reminiscing instead. Like Eddie Money says, you can never go back.
Regular readers of this blog (is there such a thing?) should really be asking me to have my head checked. How much self-inflicted punishment, you might ask, am I willing to put myself through? Is it punishment? Or is it a way to assuage the guilt (?) I obviously have over this. I only see two options: 1) forget about it entirely, which would obviously lead to forgetting about many other good things from that period, or 2) deal with it in a less-soulful, less-anguished, manner. Neither of which are all that possible. So, I just remain thankful that I can, for the most part, keep my car off this road most of the time. It’s kind of like a dead-end road, in a literal and a non-literal sense.
In the same vein of going back (or not), this is probably the number one song that I connected to this person when it came out. Oh yes, it was very intense (and very one-sided!).
So, anyways, thanks for riding along on this detour. I know this post isn’t very eloquent and hastily put together (too much multi-tasking going on here), so sorry.
UPDATE: Well, thankfully, that was short-lived. I’m back out of that hole today, so onward to new challenges (and struggles).
